how to cope with your mum dying from cancer?

This is an extremely personal story and one I never thought I would write but I am feeling low tonight.

My fantastic mum is currently in hospital in Dublin (I live in London). She has had breast cancer for 13 years. She found a lump and ONE week later had her breast removed but it had already advanced into her glands. She was told at the time that the likelihood was that the cancer would kill her as it was very aggressive.

However, she refused to listen to the doctors and has fought this dreadful disease with every bone in her body. She has had a couple of duvet days i.e. those days where you just can't get out of bed and face the world but she has never quit.

Despite being on very heavy chemo, she went out fundraising for the hospital so that they could get some cancer units for those that didn't have medical insurance like mum did. She felt very strongly that all cancer patients deserve the same care despite what the insurance companies may think. Nurses used to bring my mum in to speak to other patients to help them become more positive.

She has always been more concerned about my dad, me and my sisters than herself. My poor dad is distraught watching the only women he has ever loved go through such pain and agony. Mum is in constant pain - she is on morphine but the pain breaks through. She refuses to increase the dose as the next level would prevent her from living a "normal" life.

I am 100% sure that my mum's positive approach to life is the reason that 13 years on she is still here. As one of the drs from the hospice said to her, having read her file he couldn't understand why she was still alive as medically speaking it was a miracle she was still alive.

The breast cancer went into remission for 8 years - after 5 survivors breathe a sigh of relief but mum always felt that someday it would come back. And it did.

In 2004 she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in her liver, bones and other places. She refused to give in and continued to play golf despite being told that she could be paralysed at any point.

She spent a year virtually in hospital every week as the chemo tried to finish her off quicker than the cancer.

Late last year 2008, she was told by her fantastic consultant that he believed she had less than 12 months to live. She told him that she had no intention of going anywhere!

She started feeling dizzy but insisted that it was the 20plus tablets she takes per day. The hospice team or palliative care team as they prefer to be called advised her to take things easier but she told them she was too busy.

A scan revealed the cancer had gone to her brain in February this year. She immediately decided she wanted radiotherapy despite being told that whilst the cancer in the brain was treatable, the condition of her liver meant she is terminally ill.

She had the radiotherapy and was doing great. We have no idea whether it worked or not but she still went out and actually played 9 holes of golf. Her attitude continues to be that life is too precious and she isn't ready to leave just yet.

Her doctors don't know whether the radiation will work on the brain - it takes about 8 weeks from the date of treatment for a scan to show if the tumour has gone (or if another has grown in its place). But they did advise her to stop all treatment now as her system can't take much more.

Despite medical advice, she decided that she wasn't going to wait for the cancer to kill her so today, she started back on chemo to try and halt the progress of the cancer in her liver. And tonight she was admitted back into hospital for the first time in nearly one year.

Why, oh why does my poor brave mum have to suffer so much? Why can we spend millions on killing one another or on space programs yet we cant find a cure for this awful disease.

Mum has never smoked and there is no history of breast cancer in our family. BUT she did take HRT for over ten years. She was put on it after a hysterectomy and as she says you just didn't question it then.

Did the HRT cause the cancer? I dont have any proof it did but we believe it did. Mum has hormone receptive cancer i.e. it feeds on oestrogen so we think it is too much of a coincidence.

So despite being nearly 40 and feeling very lucky to have had my mum for so long, I now have to face the fact that I am going to lose her and soon.

She is one of the bravest women I have ever met but she is terrified of dying. She is scared of what is waiting for her? Why? Well in the old days, Irish catholics were taught that death meant hell and damnation before you went anywhere nice. My mum doesn't deserve any type of hell. She has lived through it already with the awful side effects of the drugs she has to take every day.

How can I help her and myself? How does anyone cope with this? I know there are other people a lot worse off than me and my family. There are people out there who have lost children or young mums, dads, sisters, aunts, uncles, friends etc. I just feel so lonely tonight _ I wish I could curl up beside my mum and have her tell me it was all going to be ok.

But I am very thankful that I have such an amazing mum and Dad. I am very glad that they have just celebrated 40 happy years of marriage - an event nobody other than my mum believed she would be here to see.

BUT I so wish that we could have a miracle please.............................................................

Today the 14 of May 2009 I was told that mum has less than 3 months to live. Her doctors are extremely concerned over how frail she is and she has been taken off all chemo. Her system just cannot support it any more.

So my challenge now is how do I move myself and my two kids (5 and 1) to Dublin for the next three months. I have started negotiations with the school my son attends - I mean how much of an impact can three months have on your schooling at the age of 5???? But I have to go through the motions.

My sister will probably be able to put us up but not until the 9th of June so I have four weeks to find a way of subsidising my family whilst I make the most of the time I have left with my precious and fantastic mum.

I feel angry and upset but I guess I am also lucky. I have the most fantastic mum and my dad is just awesome too. I am lucky that I dont have a full time job - my son who has autism needs me to be at home so I dont need to beg my employer to give me leave of absense so that I can move home.

I am lucky my sister can put me up. Now I just need to find some cash but where there is a will there is a way right?

Bad news today from the hospital -they think the brain cancer is spreading very quickly and have said that the months are now days. Mum is losing her battle but more worryingly she seems to have lost the will to fight as well.

Cant blame her as it has been a long battle and most would have given up before now but it is horrible to watch her just lying there. She is in pain and frightened - some days I just wish it would end for her although the thought of her not being here is too awful to contemplate.

They are discharging her from the hospital and transferring her to the hopsice as all medical treatment will now stop.  There is nothing else they can do but try and make her comfortable so that her death is peaceful.  I am heartbroken as are the rest of my family.

My five year old keeps asking if Nana has packed her suitcase yet to go and see Jesus - the simplicity of youth.

My fantastic mum is home from the hospice.

After the first week or so, she started to fight back and has blossomed since.  Her positive attitude is 100% back and she is again saying that much as she loves God she has no real wish to meet him just yet.

She insisted on a brain scan which showed that the cancer tumour has reduced by 50%. The doctors are amazed and have declined to give her any more timescales. All they have said is that they will see her in a month - thats 3 weeks longer than they gave us back in May.

She is now back at home. My equally fantastic Dad has converted the downstairs spare room into a bedroom complete with a wetroom for shower facilities.

My parents are just amazing. I am heading back to the UK on Friday after spending three weeks in my beloved Ireland. Three great weeks with a mum they said would be dead at the end of June. It is now August 5th.

Way to go Mum - I am so proud of you!

Unfortunately, My mum lost her brave fight and passed away on the 7 September last.  I havent been able to write about it as it is still so painful.

She was an amazing woman who never once moaned about the fact she had cancer.  She hid the worst of her pain from her family and friends in order to try to protect us.  She left us an amazing legacy with our memories and feelings she inspired in everyone she met.

Her funeral mass was incredible. My Dad made a speech about how wonderful she was and how much he loved her - there wasnt a dry eye in the place.   She had asked for Wind beneath my wings as her song.  She said it reminded her of Dad as he was not only her lover and best friend but the strength that got her through.

The church was overflowing and all the Lady Captains and Past Presidents gave her a standing ovation as she went on her final journey to the graveyard.

Mum - I love you so much and miss you every day.  The hole you left in our lives is impossible to fill.  I hope that you are now happy and out of pain.